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Her Light

August 5, 2018


This. Here is what happens when you sit at the keyboard and bleed...


“Her love has forced me to remain in a world I do not belong. My heart is inextricably immersed within hers. I cannot depart, even as my grip slips, I am cemented in her footsteps for the long haul. She deserves so much better than me but to depart would shred her and I will not cause that. I am here as long as she is and not one second more. 


This world does not need me, only her...until she unlearns who I really am. If she ever gazed upon me for how the world has painted me, my breath would surely cease. But I don’t think that will be the case. She came here to bring peace and see me as I truly am, not how the world chooses. She is the only thing my body could fathom when all hope evaporated. After unthinkable pain consumed me, her light sought me out!


My flaws bleed through this dark, lonely hour, as your silent berating continues to humiliate me. You welcome him who hates me and his company, therefore, you must hate me also. What a disgrace I must be to you, for you to take up friendship with the one who has wished me dead more than once. Yet if not for her, those death wishes would be realized. Wouldn’t that bring you relief though? 


I am not noble for staying, I simply cannot leave her. And for the record, the world here is anyone I have loved who has turned their back on me. All I ever longed for was to matter, belong, be needed, understood, loved.... She is all that! She picked up the slack and became everything I ever longed for. What a tremendous burden for one heart. 


“The past is past! Get over it! Move on!” Easy words you speak. But like falling down the stairs is in the past, my body remembers and continues to feel my struggle to remain on my feet. Yet land on my feet I did! With no help from any light-switch or hand railing. 


Pain and grief never leave. Dull at times, raging the next, never gone. She is the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze, the breath I breathe, the only true love I have ever known.”

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