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Stepping Out

May 13, 2016

 

Why has it taken so long?

 

I'm just stepping out now...

How sad & yet how freeing

Sad it has taken so long

Freeing to finally step out into the light.

I feel, no I know, I'm a late bloomer, although not for lack of wanting to be someone so different

 

But I couldn't.  I felt fear, insecurities, mistrust.

 

I was paralyzed.

 

As much as I wanted more, to do more, to be more, I couldn't

I stayed safe in my own world, surrounded by family, people who understand

and allowed me to move through life as I needed...

 

I functioned, this may sound like a contradiction but it really wasn't

I functioned well, well within my boundaries, did everything I needed in my protected space

I had friends, exceptional family and I raised two girls

 

We did everything a family should, school, school activities, camping, holidays

I was happy and I found joy but I was never really free...

 

I had a secret, or so I felt it was a secret

 

I felt dirty because of my secret... I felt ownership of something that had nothing to do with me...

 

I took blame and questioned myself constantly

How did this happen

what had I done... did I say something, how had I made him think he could take what he wanted...

to violently take from me and not once think about the effect it would have on my family and I,

my life...

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